cybil unacceptable: Mommy needs a hobby?

I know how to treat myself, I just don?t do it very often. I?ve gone for coffee with a friend, when she asks me. I?ve gone out to an event with a neighbor, when she invited me. I?ve even holed up in a retreat house for a weekend and devoted myself to my family?s scrapbooks, when the log of pictures beckons me and I know I am WAY behind. Do you see a trend? I seem to either wait for others to call on me or my ?hobbies? seem to be more about productivity than pure enjoyment.

And it came to a head this past year. I became increasingly resentful when my spouse had hobbies or activities that took him away from our home or family, if even just for a couple hours. I was jealous. And I didn?t know how to change it.

I felt at a loss for so long. I am not overly athletic, the thought of joining some sports league turned me off. I don?t like exercising. Some of my hobbies I do more for the end product ? like scrapbooking. I don?t actually feel awesome while I?m doing it. In fact, it?s rather the opposite. I often end up with quite the back ache! I do love to organize, so when I have a good chunk of time I love to clean out a closet or shelving unit, purge and re-sort and organize the area. But again, a hobby that?s more about a to-do list or a productive end. What?s a woman to do?

Beyond this I?ve been sinking my teeth into being a mom for a very long time. And every year it seems that role requires new skills and new knowledge ? call it my continuing education credits. =) I have to constantly be on my toes to keep up with my crew. And I am glad I can be that for them. But in the process I lost something. This isn?t meant to be a sappy, sad story about losing me ? because I gained a new person when I became a mother, when I had a child diagnosed with autism, when I adopted a child, when I became the mother of three, when I became the owner of a pet, and so on. Each of these experiences have shaped who I am, and I am glad I am a different person today than I was ten or fifteen years ago. But I DID forget to include some things for shaping myself during that decade and a half. I let hobbies go by the wayside. I picked up new hobbies that had more to deal with the benefit of my children.

Last Spring I thankfully realized this and, even better, finally figured out something I could enjoy doing. I got back into theatre. When I was in elementary and high school and college I enjoyed being on stage and hadn?t done it since. So I auditioned with our local theatre group at the end of this summer and was thrilled when I got a part for the production this Fall. I can tell you that I LOVED every single practice I went to, I felt ALIVE when I was on stage, a part of me came forth that I hadn?t been in touch with in such a long time ? - and my kids got to meet her! I do hope to be back at it in the future.

I encourage you to find that thing that makes you come alive. I know for me it was extremely tough to find the right activity. It literally took years. ?My major suggestions based solely on my experience only?

1. Choose an activity that is good for YOU. It has nothing to benefit your family necessarily, there may be no monetary payout. It may produce nothing physical in the end. It just purely brings YOU joy to do it. Think of your strengths and how you could offer those to your community. One resource you could look at is www.volunteermatch.com.

2. Try not to have a hobby centered around something that will always make you feel behind. I can?t think of all the possibilities but I can tell you that my scrapbooking hobby has become more of a task than anything, simply because of my personality style. Thus, I cannot think of scrapbooking as so much of a hobby anymore but as more of just one of my to-do list items. It?s better to just call it what it is. =)

3. Don?t make excuses that your time will come. If you need this now, make it happen now. I should have done this three years ago. It may have been too much for me when I was in the throes of having babies, in the midst of an adoption, or during Owen?s early years of diagnosis and intensive therapy. But really, you can make a hobby happen ? even as the mother of a child with special needs.

4. Make it a committed activity ? something scheduled and on your calendar. Commit to certain times of the week or month and put it on the family calendar. Also, think about the time of day ? choose a time that will be satisfying for you. If getting up early is a chore, or staying out late is not something you like ? don?t choose an activity that requires that simply because it?s more convenient to the family calendar. This is YOUR activity. ?You have to want to go, and time of day is important.

5. Obviously, you?ll need to get your family on board. For my particular situation that wasn?t a problem. My husband could see that I needed that break, that activity, badly? for years. For some it could be much harder to work out the logistics of a hobby: childcare/respite considerations, a spouse who doesn?t agree or who also needs a hobby. I hope you?ll find the resources needed when you need them. ?It isn?t always easy, but I hope you?ll not quit at the first sign of discouragement. ?It is worth it to keep trying!

6. If it?s a hobby that doesn?t necessarily require you to leave home, try to take your hobby away from home anyway ? or you?ll likely never get to it. If you like sewing, sign up for a sewing class and make a new project (who cares about the unfinished one in your sewing closet ? let it go!). If you like photography, take a class at a local arts association or camera store. If you like painting, ceramics, sculpting, stained glass ? find a local studio and inquire about upcoming classes (just because none are listed on their website doesn?t mean the owner isn?t thinking about offering one and your call may be just what he/she needed to get one scheduled!). Enjoy collecting things? ? make a scheduled date to visit stores that sell those items to go rummaging for additions to your collection.

There are always hurdles to getting something done. I have not mastered my own tips. I will likely have to go back to this list myself and remind myself of what I learned during this season of my life. I am thankful for what I was able to be a part of, and I will leave you with a few pictures of my adventures on stage.